Search This Blog

Sunday, 13 February 2011

The King's Speech

<EDITOR'S NOTE: This was posted on the afternoon before the BAFTAS ....>

At the BAFTAs tonight, the 181 guests will each receive a £2500 goody bag full of freebees, and  - not being one to miss a marketing trick - I DID phone the organisers offering a contribution from the Mustard Seed. 

Bizarrely - they (well, Jonathan Ross actually) turned down my offer of recycled-paper kitchen rolls and biodegradable kitchen caddy bags.  Instead, they have opted for limited edition Anya Hindmarch designer bags, Grey Goose vodka, Taittinger champagne, Escada scarf, Lancôme beauty creams, Cocorose ballet pumps, and a gold iPhone cover. 

"But the Fairtrade Rosemary & Lavender Gardener's Hand Salve is brilliant!" I insisted.  "Much better than that Lancôme stuff. And it doesn't even need a circumflex to work."
I think he must have been put off by the yuck factor of the recycling of kitchen rolls, because my plaintive " ...but it's SO much more sustainable and with a MUCH lower carbon footprint!" was lost in the ether of a phone line that had gone dead. It was no more. It was pushing up the daisies.  An EX-phoneline. Suddenly - the image of a Norwegian Blue pining for the fjords came into my head. No idea why. 
Rather apprehensively - I then called Colin Firth. 
"Ap-p-pologies.  I'm c-c-alling about t-t-tonight... " - I stammered - the nerves getting the better of me. 
There were barely suppressed chuckles at the other end of the line.  "Very funny - King's Speech an' all that! So - how DO you get a drink out of a Vogon then? " 
It was my turn to laugh - even though I didn't have a CLUE what he was on about (until I looked it up on Google later and found the reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide & the meanest species in the universe:  < you put a finger down his throat> ) .  
Anyway - ice broken - I explained how we are trying to banish UNfair trade etc etc . I had him cornered. 
He interrupted me  - thank goodness - or I might have verbally bludgeoned him into a quivering pulp. Not much use when you're trying to climb those stairs up to the Podium.
"Look" - he said. "We can easily ...  "   
"Wikinisli " I asked - "is that like Wikileaks & Wikipedia ? "   
It wasn't. 
He continued.  "We can easily - if I win tonight - change my surname from Firth to Fairtrade Sound good?  Colin Fairtrade. "
I said that wasn't enough. Nowhere near enough.  
"OK.  When I get up to the podium  - instead of the usual mother-thanking stuff  - I can do a Mustard Seed Speech - like the King's Speech.  What do you think? Just send me the text. " 
I was speechless.   Well - you know what I mean.  This sounded like - hmmm - like Colin Firth.  
Anyway. Here's what I sent him. 
The M<y bonnie lies over the ocean!>ustard S<£$%%!!>eed P<ining for the fjords!>romotes the Christian F<aringdon is fantabulous!>aith and H<old on to your horses Hermione!>ighlights the P<eter piper picked a piece of pickled pepper>rinciples of F<!£$***%>air T<o Buy fairtrade or Not to buy Fairtrade  - that is the Question!>rade through the S<sells seashells on the sea shore>ale of C<hristmas is only 312 days away!>hristian literature and F<ine time to buy from the Mustard Seed!>airly T<urn again Tony!>raded G<**&^%$>oods.  It's F<airly traded>antastic and WE ALL SUPPORT IT!
Amazingly - when he read it back to me on the phone he didn't stammer once. 
So - let's hope he wins.


No comments:

Post a Comment