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Saturday 21 April 2012

Hey - I Moushtache you a Queshtion....

Shorn whatshishname (well - unshorn actually) came into the Mustard Seed on Thursday.

"Fantashtic - Finally, a shpecialisht moushtache shop! Are you the shop ashishtant? I'm shearching for a shpoon that shtops me shlurping. I'm shick of shucking shoup through a shtraw" .


Blank incomprehension on part of aforesaid Shop Assistant.  Bottom jaw hits floor.

"Thatsh what I call a shtunned shilensh" - Shorn added helpfully. " You are a shpecialisht moushtache shop aren't you?  The shine outshide the shop sheysh sho" .

And sure enough  - when they both went outside -  there it was. For all the moustachioed men (and women) of the world to see.


"Aye - a shame the party shop up Coxshwell Shtreet shut. Shimone had lotsha tash shtuff.  Sho itsh shplendid to shee you ashimilating the shlack and shticking the tash shtock on the shelvesh. MUSHTASHED. Like it. Shuper shine for a shop. "

Then came the Eureka moment.  Aforesaid Shop Assistant saw and seized her opportunity.

"Yes absolutely, Shorn" she said, ushering him back inside.  "We've got a special soup slurper that'll keep your tash tip-top".

Well - to cut a long story short, Shorn ended up very happy with his:

Then came

 ....looking for curling tongs.  He went away with

And the man-eating spider fattening up the OAP

took the delicious

Not sure why.

The squeezy

was perfect for sticking this back on


was prone to bumping into things, but gratefully settled on the

"I have to feed my Hairy Flavour Savour"  - he said conspiratorially.

This young lady (you wouldn't think it would you?) unfortunately wasn't able to negotiate the shop entrance door

but still bought two bottles of the special moustache oil:

By now, Shorn was also helping with all the connery, and had even taken a shine to the aforesaid Shop Assistant.

"What'sh your name shweetie?" he said.

"It's Shandy Shaunders" she replied.

"You're taking the pish - you mean Sandy Saunders surely? "   

Thursday 12 April 2012

Your belly button - an Innie or an Outie?

Innie or Outie? There were undoubtedly many such naval questions being asked on the Titanic exactly 100 years ago, as the waist band played on. Apparently, most of the 36,000 oranges on board had Outies.

But we digress surely. The sinking had nothing to do with the Mustard Seed - or did it?

Well - it did in a way. You see - the iceberg that reared up out of the glassy black sea seemed to come from nowhere,  because those naval gazers could see no breaking waves.

If only there had been a Fair Trade Wind then the sea would have been more choppy.  Or in the context of the Mustard Seed - should that read shoppy?

Anyway - it's clear that the Fair Trade bit makes waves & therefore saves lives.

Of course - if Titanic hadn't been built in Belfast then we could easily have built it in Faringdon.

The photo shows the propellers being assembled in the Cornmarket.

The prow would then be sticking through to the tennis club, which is handy because they are good at painting lines. So we could ask them to do the name.

TITAN ICE .   That's what it was originally called (unfortunate choice of name if you ask me) , but they ran out of white paint in Belfast and had to drop the E . The tennis club has plenty of white paint.

And it would cost less too - because we wouldn't bother with that fake fourth funnel  - which was a complete accident by the way.

It was the Chief Designer who happened to overhear a conversation between the Chairman & his wife Helen.

Ah - there's another link with the Mustard Seed. You see - you probably know her better as Helen of Troy - but her full name was actually Helen of Troydcraft  - well known as the face that launched a thousand Troydcraft shops .

Anyway - back to that overheard conversation.

Helen: Darling - what are you putting up on the top deck?

Chairman: It's going to be just for fun Helen - for the first class .

And the Chief Designer scurried off to modify his plans - having clearly heard  It's going to be just four funnellen ...   (he had a German great aunt who also spoke like this)  .

Then there's the 3200 eiderdowns that need stuffing. Faringdon's Innies (Outies are less productive in this respect) would be drafted in to produce the necessary naval fluff. Softer than mohair.

And for that maiden voyage, the Mustard Seed could also have supplied (we've got a bit of shelving round the back) the Tea (0.8 tonnes); Coffee (2.2 tonnes) ; Marmalade (1.1 tonnes) ; Sugar (10 tonnes) ; Rice (10 tonnes) ; Chocolate; Cocoa; Biscuits...

In the photo you can see how all those Fairtrade provisions could be delivered sustainably.  None of that naughty coal stuff.

Sorry - that should have read nautical stuff.

Yes. The Mustard Seed. Truly the Shop of Dreams....  

P.S. What d'you reckon? Innie or Outie? 

Sunday 1 April 2012

Mustard Seed Tackles Helmet Hair

Did you know that, on average,  motorists give cyclists with long fair hair 15.5 inches more room when they cut past them?

So - are motorists giving blondes a wider berth because they think they're rubbish cyclists?

Whatever the reason, the Mustard Seed will shortly be broadening out its Fair-Trade offerings with a range of Fair-Hair products that tackle this safety issue head on - so to speak.

The wide boy on the right is sure to be given a wide berth as he tests out our new safety helmet.

Its not a new idea. As you can see, the fair-haired Viking cyclist on the left can even lock horns with other road users if they get too close.

But that's not all.  Helmets also cause Helmet Hair :- that  "wild coiffure" look that bedevils helmet wearers when they take their headgear off.

I mean - do you really want to look like this?

Luckily, the solution is quite simple.

Shave your head.

But - hang on!  People actually LIKE having hair.  Fair or otherwise.

For that reason, the Mustard Seed Helmets will have HAIR incorporated into their structure. Which means that as long as you keep your helmet on, then no one needs to know that you're a slaphead.  

Here's a selection from the new catalogue:

And a few being modelled :

Finally, there IS also another solution to Helmet Hair, and one that is also available from the Mustard Seed.  The gentleman below is demonstrating how you can use the contents of a couple of boxes of exotic-fruit geo-muesli wrapped in cloth to keep your hair beautifully in place under your helmet:

Not too sure what to do about his Helmet beard though.