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Saturday, 7 May 2011

Diet of Worms

I'm not normally prone to conspiracy theories (the Sunday Sport DID get it right about Elvis now being a poodle on the moon however. The headline was "Ain't Nothin' but a Moon Dog" - which I didn't get) -  but I did stumble across something really very sinister earlier this week that I thought you should  know about. I must stress that this is FOR REAL, and I urge you to email this on to as many friends as possible.

I was on the way down to the Corn Exchange to vote when I heard it.  Perfectly innocent - or so it may have seemed to the less perceptive. A girl in hoptails wearing a pinnaforte and playing bobscotch - and singing to herself. I could only  make out some of the words - but it was enough:

...think I'll go and eat worms               ... fat ones, thin ones
                          ... bite off the heads, and suck out the juice
.                  ...  throw the skins away
                                                    ....On worms three times a day 

THAT's when it hit me  - clear as criers' bell.  THEY (you know who I mean)... THEY are trying to foist a foreign (probably vegetarian ) voting system on us - supperifically surreptitiously - or whatever the word is.

I'm not stupid you know.  I've heard of the Diet of Worms. That was when the Bundestag ordered the Bundespost to put worm powder on the back of stamps so that when you licked the stamp you started speaking Slytherin (worm language that sounds like German I think) rather than good old English. (and sometimes your legs and arms dropped off - although I'm not sure about that bit - maybe they were chopped off) .

That was the start of the slippery slope - and we DON'T want the same to happen here.

You think I'm over-reacting?  Not so.

I arrived at the polling station - and there it was  - in your face. A big sign.  LOW-CAL ELECTIONS HERE.  They weren't even trying to hide it. They might as well have put DIET ELECTIONS HERE .

And that wasn't all.  When I came up to the desk, the polling lady (she looked shifty) whispered (I had to lip-read) that our local MP (yes - this goes right to the top) was also on THE DIET (good thing too) and had first passed a post. (Ouch - worse than kidney stones probably).

It's bad enough finding ylang ylang and jojoba in your cornflakes (hey - what's wrong with ingredients that you can at least pronounce?) - and that we now need hair straighteners to deal with the dizzy affros (or is it affro dizzies ?) -  but this latest foreign invasion regarding THE DIET is beyond the bucket.

It gets worse. There I was in the polling booth about to put pen to paper - when my finely tuned auditory canals  picked up a female mumble from a fellow voter through the hardboard partition - through the grille of the confessional so-to-speak. "These Candy Dates all need to be thrown out!" - I heard clearly .  I was outraged! Foreigners trying to abolish our sweet tooth? Obviously part of THE DIET plan. I felt like confronting the infidel in question with "Unhand me you Heathen - the Game is Up! " But I didn't  - because the mumble continued.  "These candy dates ...  all just ham actors in a Pub .... " .  That one took me a couple of seconds to work out.  Ah yes - it clicked.  Bar Skit Cases - she must have meant.

So - HOW can we protect the British Bonbon  from THE DIET and the Slytherin invasion?

Luckily - there IS an answer.

1. Only use self-adhesive stamps
2. Buy LOTS of lovely Candies and delicious Dates  from the Mustard Seed
3. AND Beautiful Bar Skits (apologies for the "basket" typo in the catalog) to put them in

And I'm now going to forward all of this on to the Sunday Sport.

P.S. Vegetarians... They DO eat worms don't they? 

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