I was on the way down to the Corn Exchange to vote when I heard it. Perfectly innocent - or so it may have seemed to the less perceptive. A girl in hoptails wearing a pinnaforte and playing bobscotch - and singing to herself. I could only make out some of the words - but it was enough:
...think I'll go and eat worms ... fat ones, thin ones
... bite off the heads, and suck out the juice
. ... throw the skins away
....On worms three times a day
THAT's when it hit me - clear as criers' bell. THEY (you know who I mean)... THEY are trying to foist a foreign (probably vegetarian ) voting system on us -
That was the start of the slippery slope - and we DON'T want the same to happen here.
You think I'm over-reacting? Not so.
I arrived at the polling station - and there it was - in your face. A big sign. LOW-CAL ELECTIONS HERE. They weren't even trying to hide it. They might as well have put DIET ELECTIONS HERE .
And that wasn't all. When I came up to the desk, the polling lady (she looked shifty) whispered (I had to lip-read) that our local MP (yes - this goes right to the top) was also on THE DIET (good thing too) and had first passed a post. (Ouch - worse than kidney stones probably).
It's bad enough finding ylang ylang and jojoba in your cornflakes (hey - what's wrong with ingredients that you can at least pronounce?) - and that we now need hair straighteners to deal with the dizzy affros (or is it affro dizzies ?) - but this latest foreign invasion regarding THE DIET is beyond the bucket.
It gets worse. There I was in the polling booth about to put pen to paper - when my finely tuned auditory canals picked up a female mumble from a fellow voter through the hardboard partition - through the grille of the confessional so-to-speak. "These Candy Dates all need to be thrown out!" - I heard clearly . I was outraged! Foreigners trying to abolish our sweet tooth? Obviously part of THE DIET plan. I felt like confronting the infidel in question with "Unhand me you Heathen - the Game is Up! " But I didn't - because the mumble continued. "These candy dates ... all just ham actors in a Pub .... " . That one took me a couple of seconds to work out. Ah yes - it clicked. Bar Skit Cases - she must have meant.
So - HOW can we protect the British Bonbon from THE DIET and the Slytherin invasion?
Luckily - there IS an answer.
1. Only use self-adhesive stamps
2. Buy LOTS of lovely Candies and delicious Dates from the Mustard Seed
3. AND Beautiful Bar Skits (apologies for the "basket" typo in the catalog) to put them in
And I'm now going to forward all of this on to the Sunday Sport.
P.S. Vegetarians... They DO eat worms don't they?