Those were indeed the first words uttered by the tartan-trewed super-guru as he strolled incognito into Faringdon Market Place this morning - with a spanking new iPad 2 under one arm, and a bell under the other.
It was the personalised numberplate strapped to his cape that gave the game away.....
SJ 1 . nothing else. That was the numberplate. Just SJ 1 . Wow. The numberplate was probably worth more than the cape.
It was none other than ...
What do you mean ? You don't mean.... Surely not? You mean.... THE Steve Jobs?
"HEY GUYS " - he shouted over the clanging noise of his bell - "I HEARD ABOUT YOUR BUN-THROWING world record - and wanted to see fo' maaself!"
Yikes. Misunderstanding. Big time. We confiscated his bell and then explained.
"Hi Steve. Lose the bell - and lose the HROW ."
"Sarry - wadya mean - lose de HROW ? " He lunged for the bell, but missed.
"Yes - that's right lose the HROW . BuntHROWing is what they do in Abingdon when the Queen comes to visit. But OUR world record in Faringdon is without the hrow. It's the BUNTING world record. No hrow in the middle. Fairtrade bunting for fairtrade fortnight. You know - flags on strings."
We showed him some of the flags that the children had already decorated.
"Wow!. Thad IS feantastic!" he gushed. "And - it's so PURRFECT for ma new iPad 2 . Just take a look at dis BEAST! "
We watched his demo - enthralled - but perplexed. Yes - it was certainly BIG - but we couldn't quite see the relevance. And - HOW - in so many words - do you tell the great man that you can't quite see the relevance? Or - maybe it was a diversionary tactic just to get his bell back.
"Sorry - SJ - we can't quite see the relevance."
It seemed to do the trick.
"Well - it's the new APP that comes bundled in" he explained. "The new FAIRSHOP App" .
Sounded intriguing. He continued. "Yeah - it's a FAIR SHOP" . He laughed. We didn't .
"Yeah. ye know - it's a FAIR SHOP? FAIR COP? Ged it? It maniders yer shapping an' gives ye electric shacks if ye traa de baa de non-fairtrade staaff!" - he was clearly very pleased with himself - and had also temporarily forgotten about the bell . "Yeah - it's laak yer own personal po-lees-man - dat makes sho' ye baa fairtrade! "
Maniders yer shapping? Electric shacks if ye traa de baa de non-fairtrade? Ah yes - monitors your shopping. Electric shocks if you try to buy the non-fairtrade. Why they can't speak proper in the colonies is beyond me.
"But - how does it work?" we asked in close harmony - almost barbershop - certainly fairshop.
"Weaaalll...." he drawled - pulling a face like a possum and hitching up his tartan trews - "As well as de usual GPS with GEO-PO-SITION capabilidee, dis baby also has GEO-BAR and GEO-CRUNCH functionalidee. So - it reads de BARcodes and den gives yer a nice liddle taster of GEO-CRUNCH . But dis is a TASTER widdout de middle T . Yep. It TASERS ye real good an' proper."
Brilliant! Imagine if all smart phone & tablet owners were admonished with a gentle 50,000 volts every time they fell off the fairtrade wagon - they'd soon make sure they didn't keep their smart phones in their trouser pockets.
"Yeahhhh... An' have y'all come across de new Xbox Kinect game? It's faaanteastic: Kickin' & punchin' government ministers every taam dey prevaricate at de world trade talks!"
That was the moment that we all saw Steve Jobs kickboxing an imaginary kangaroo in Faringdon Marketplace. And if you tell your grandchildren that - they'd never believe you.
"Can ah have ma bell back naa please? "