Einstein & Relativity

He was called "Ein Stein" by his mum because he weighed in at a whopping "One Stone" when born. No wonder he landed on his head. And in the eleventh dimension, Einstein was born (14th March) in the same year as he died (18th April). This being the 1st of April, we're now at the exact balance-point between the two dates. We have Equality.

Equality = Mustard Ceed² .

Or E = MC²   .

(Funny - if Einstein had been better at spelling then that famous equation would have been E = MS²  I suppose ) .

But did you know that - because of the Theory of General Relativity - your head ages faster than your feet?  (just look at Albert's head if you're not convinced) . Relative speed of aging all depends on the distance from the nearest significant gravitational field.

Yes - a 79 year old head - being six feet further away from the Earth -  is approximately 90 billionths of a second older than the attached feet  (assuming same owner, no transplants, and no standing on head) .

You'll be pleased to know that - in order to optimise product quality - we've now applied the Theory of General Relativity to the placement of items on the Mustard Seed shelves.

Clearly - items placed on the higher shelves will age more rapidly.

Under the new layout, looking at the top shelf, the coffee aficionados amongst you I'm sure will appreciate the new deep rich overtones in the machu picchu flavours that can only come about because of that added relative time.

But rancid cashews & brazils on the other hand are more of an acquired taste. So - not surprisingly, they're now wallowing in the elixir of eternal nuttiness that is represented by that bottom shelf, where time crawls more sluggishly - relatively speaking.  

Clever huh?

But - every silver lining has a cloud could.

And what is that could - you may ask?

Well - the top shelf items will get old faster and will reach their sell-by dates sooner - and if we're not careful this could create a crack in the very fabric of space-time itself. 

That's the cloud could. 

But you can help prevent this could from happening.

How - you may well ask?

Well, simply buy more stuff  - more often  - and more quickly.

Here's how it works. Imagine a Geobar racing round inside the Large Hadron Collider - chased by hoards of Higgs-Boson particles (as yet undiscovered) - trying to catch up with its own sell-by date.

You then breeze in - sipping your martini. You nonchalantly reach into the bowels of the big machine  - ignoring the intense electromagnetic fields that would fry any normal mortal - and you then BUY the Geobar - while discovering the Higgs-Boson at the same time.

Result? The Geobar never reaches its sell-by date, and your ethical decision (well - the gluons in your Moral Relativity to be more precise ) neatly glues up the cracks in the anti-matter space-time continuum.

You've saved the planet - yet again.

But - be careful...  (see graph) . Joy-riding the LHC  sounds like fun - but going really really fast can cause ethical mayhem.

It's probably safer just to chase down to the Mustard Seed (not TOO fast mind) & buy your Geobars there.

P.S. Well done on the Higgs-Boson by the way.